BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So I fail at this. EPICALLY. I don't know why I find that so entertaining, but I do.
Soo. . . My life is weird. A lot different from what I'd anticipated. Here are some of the major changes:

• No more UTC. I'm done with it. WOO! Though I feel awful about leaving my core group. :(
• I'm enlisting in the Army. Whaaaaaat?! Yeah, seriously, I am. I just can't decide if I'm going to do active duty or the reserves yet.
• My hair is brown. Like, dark brown. It looks hot, too.
• I've crocheted SO MANY HATS. My record is four in three days. Yeah, crazy.
• I have this awful cough/sore throat. I sound like I've smoked cigarettes since I was conceived (the impossibility of that entertains me).
• I'm basically working towards being in law enforcement. I want to do more of the gory stuff, though. Autopsies are totally cool by me.
• I enjoy making these horrid, unattractive faces. It's a curse, really.
• Depressive realism. I'm so grateful for it.
• My parents and I don't get along at all. The day I move out for good will be the happiest day of my life.
• I am always tired. I don't know why.

sleepy sleepy sleep sleeper sleeeeeeeep

Hey children.

Life has been full of the highest highs and the lowest lows lately.
From the best news in the world to the feeling the saddest I've ever been.

I've been thinking about this plan I have for the rest of my life, and I'm wondering if maybe I should scrap that plan.
Maybe, instead of thinking out everything I do, I should just surrender everything to the Big Guy. Instead of planning to graduate in 2012, get into UTK's grad anthro program, then work in a museum or with the FBI as soon as I can, well, maybe I should just plan to do what makes me happy. I don't know what will make me happiest in ten years, so instead of deciding what I think should make me happiest, maybe I should just follow my heart.

I've never been very good at that. Following my heart. I prefer to hear other people's suggestions, then decide what sounds best. Maybe I don't trust my heart. Maybe I wish I didn't have to deal with my heart. But it's there, and it's going to be, so I'm thinking that for once in my life, I should listen to what it's telling me.

It's late, and I know that in the morning, I'll ask myself what the point of this was, but right now?

I feel better.

I've been feeling very lonely lately, and I wish I understood why.

It's not like I don't spend time with my friends. I guess I just want to spend more time with them. I can't get enough of them, I really can't.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure they've gotten more than enough of me.

Blaaahhhh.

The past few days have sent me spiraling down into another depression.

My friends don't like me anymore.
My parents don't believe in me.
My sister has nothing but disdain for me.
Even I no longer believe I'm a worthwhile person.



fuck it all.

Closing Doors

I've been thinking about my childhood a lot lately.

Some of it probably has to do with being back home for the summer, where I'm still being treated like a child.

A lot of it has to with how amazing my childhood was.
It was the best time of my life thus far.
I spent my days running around outside, chasing butterflies and fireflies, playing house in the nook behind the garage, climbing on the jungle gym, and dreaming about all the things I could do with my life.
At that time, I knew I could do anything I wanted.
Sometimes I wanted to be an artist. Other times a police officer. Most of the time, I wanted to be a detective. Some days, I set my sights on becoming a famous singer or actress.
I could be anything.
Anything at all.
Nothing was too crazy (except maybe feeding sharks).

Now that I'm a young adult, though, I feel like most of those doors have closed. My options are dwindling, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm afraid that by the time I finally figure it out, it will be too late, and it's this thought that keeps me awake most nights.

What if I miss my chance to be great?
No, I don't care that much about being great, actually.
No, what scares me is this:
What if I miss my opportunity to help people around the world?
That's really all I've ever wanted, to help others.

I don't know how I'm supposed to help them, though.
Do I go to Africa? Sometimes I feel that God is leading me there, but then I take a step back and wonder if I'm just misinterpreting His signs.
Do I need to stay here, and help the American people? I don't have much faith in America anymore. I love the original idea, but now our country represents arrogance, self-indulgence, ignorance, and I'm no longer proud to say I'm an American.
Maybe God wants me to go somewhere completely different, like Asia or Europe or even South America? I don't know much about their cultures, and I only speak English and French. I'm worried that I won't make it.

I've just been so worried lately that I could be screwing my life up by thinking and not acting. I'm so afraid of screwing it all up if I do take action, though.

I'm essentially afraid of failing.
Failing my friends.
Failing my family.
Failing the people who need my help.
Failing myself.
And, worst of all, failing my Lord.

I miss the simplicity and possibility of childhood.

Hm.

I should probably start taking my medicine regularly.

It's messing everything up for me.



Places I've applied for a job thus far:
5

I have

been feeling really lonely lately.



And I don't know why.