BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So I fail at this. EPICALLY. I don't know why I find that so entertaining, but I do.
Soo. . . My life is weird. A lot different from what I'd anticipated. Here are some of the major changes:

• No more UTC. I'm done with it. WOO! Though I feel awful about leaving my core group. :(
• I'm enlisting in the Army. Whaaaaaat?! Yeah, seriously, I am. I just can't decide if I'm going to do active duty or the reserves yet.
• My hair is brown. Like, dark brown. It looks hot, too.
• I've crocheted SO MANY HATS. My record is four in three days. Yeah, crazy.
• I have this awful cough/sore throat. I sound like I've smoked cigarettes since I was conceived (the impossibility of that entertains me).
• I'm basically working towards being in law enforcement. I want to do more of the gory stuff, though. Autopsies are totally cool by me.
• I enjoy making these horrid, unattractive faces. It's a curse, really.
• Depressive realism. I'm so grateful for it.
• My parents and I don't get along at all. The day I move out for good will be the happiest day of my life.
• I am always tired. I don't know why.

sleepy sleepy sleep sleeper sleeeeeeeep

Hey children.

Life has been full of the highest highs and the lowest lows lately.
From the best news in the world to the feeling the saddest I've ever been.

I've been thinking about this plan I have for the rest of my life, and I'm wondering if maybe I should scrap that plan.
Maybe, instead of thinking out everything I do, I should just surrender everything to the Big Guy. Instead of planning to graduate in 2012, get into UTK's grad anthro program, then work in a museum or with the FBI as soon as I can, well, maybe I should just plan to do what makes me happy. I don't know what will make me happiest in ten years, so instead of deciding what I think should make me happiest, maybe I should just follow my heart.

I've never been very good at that. Following my heart. I prefer to hear other people's suggestions, then decide what sounds best. Maybe I don't trust my heart. Maybe I wish I didn't have to deal with my heart. But it's there, and it's going to be, so I'm thinking that for once in my life, I should listen to what it's telling me.

It's late, and I know that in the morning, I'll ask myself what the point of this was, but right now?

I feel better.

I've been feeling very lonely lately, and I wish I understood why.

It's not like I don't spend time with my friends. I guess I just want to spend more time with them. I can't get enough of them, I really can't.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure they've gotten more than enough of me.

Blaaahhhh.

The past few days have sent me spiraling down into another depression.

My friends don't like me anymore.
My parents don't believe in me.
My sister has nothing but disdain for me.
Even I no longer believe I'm a worthwhile person.



fuck it all.

Closing Doors

I've been thinking about my childhood a lot lately.

Some of it probably has to do with being back home for the summer, where I'm still being treated like a child.

A lot of it has to with how amazing my childhood was.
It was the best time of my life thus far.
I spent my days running around outside, chasing butterflies and fireflies, playing house in the nook behind the garage, climbing on the jungle gym, and dreaming about all the things I could do with my life.
At that time, I knew I could do anything I wanted.
Sometimes I wanted to be an artist. Other times a police officer. Most of the time, I wanted to be a detective. Some days, I set my sights on becoming a famous singer or actress.
I could be anything.
Anything at all.
Nothing was too crazy (except maybe feeding sharks).

Now that I'm a young adult, though, I feel like most of those doors have closed. My options are dwindling, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm afraid that by the time I finally figure it out, it will be too late, and it's this thought that keeps me awake most nights.

What if I miss my chance to be great?
No, I don't care that much about being great, actually.
No, what scares me is this:
What if I miss my opportunity to help people around the world?
That's really all I've ever wanted, to help others.

I don't know how I'm supposed to help them, though.
Do I go to Africa? Sometimes I feel that God is leading me there, but then I take a step back and wonder if I'm just misinterpreting His signs.
Do I need to stay here, and help the American people? I don't have much faith in America anymore. I love the original idea, but now our country represents arrogance, self-indulgence, ignorance, and I'm no longer proud to say I'm an American.
Maybe God wants me to go somewhere completely different, like Asia or Europe or even South America? I don't know much about their cultures, and I only speak English and French. I'm worried that I won't make it.

I've just been so worried lately that I could be screwing my life up by thinking and not acting. I'm so afraid of screwing it all up if I do take action, though.

I'm essentially afraid of failing.
Failing my friends.
Failing my family.
Failing the people who need my help.
Failing myself.
And, worst of all, failing my Lord.

I miss the simplicity and possibility of childhood.

Hm.

I should probably start taking my medicine regularly.

It's messing everything up for me.



Places I've applied for a job thus far:
5

I have

been feeling really lonely lately.



And I don't know why.

Plans.

I've spent the past couple of weeks trying to be a good student. My plan was the following:

• do homework every night
• get all my papers turned in on time
• study adequately for tests
• go to all of my classes
• take decent notes
• discuss any problems with professors
  

The result thus far? I'm really proud of myself. Granted, there's still about sixteen days left in the semester, so I have to keep pushing myself, but all in all, I feel that it's going to end well. I have certainly improved since last semester.

My goals at the beginning of the semester:

1. Go to all my classes!
2. Turn in all homework and papers ON TIME.
3. Budget my money.
4. Make new friends.
5. Make great grades.
6. Get along with my roommates.
7. Keep my room clean.
8. Get a job.
9. Exercise.
10. Eat healthily.
    
11. Go to a party.
    

Now, let's see how my goals are looking so far:

1. Go to all my classes! I didn't do perfectly with this one, but I certainly didn't skip as much, and I made a more conscious effort to get to class than last semester.
   
2. Turn in all homework and papers ON TIME. Ehh. Let's say I halfway accomplished this one. I turned about half of my assignments in on time. However, I have turned in almost every single one at some point!
   
3. Budget my money. Yeah, no. This one definitely didn't happen. It's like I can only budget when I have like $20 left in my account. I need to keep working on this!
   
4. Make new friends. Hm. I kinda did this. I met some new people, but I wouldn't say I made new friends. I did, however, grow a lot closer to the friends I made last semester.
   
5. Make great grades. So far, so good. It looks like I'll be making all A's and B's, which is a significant improvement!
   
6. Get along with my roommates. This went much better than last semester! Kelley is the best friend I have here, and I get along much better with Megan and Kayla, almost to the point where I'd say we're friends. :)
   
7. Keep my room clean. HAH. Did you, or I, for that matter, really think I'd be able to keep my room tidy? I don't do tidy, I do "organized chaos."
   
8. Get a job. Noooooope. I thought about it, and I even grabbed an application once, but quite honestly, I just don't think I could have handled a job. It was a difficult semester already, just trying to get my life back together while getting good grades.
   
9. Exercise. I tried some new stuff, like volleyball and racquetball, but I really didn't exercise more. I did more and went more places, but never set aside any time specifically for exercise.
   
10. Eat healthily. FAIL. I did so awfully with this. I ate absolute crap. Tons of chips and candy, and the meals at the UC were definitely not any better. Looking back, I can see why I've gained so much weight.
    
11. Go to a party. Accomplished! It was fun, watching/playing games and watching the drunk people. DRUNK PEOPLE ARE SO FUNNY. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Being sober makes it so much more fun!

So, there's Spring 2009. Now, I'm going to set some goals for Summer '09!

1. Lose weight.
2. Get a job.
3. Earn a boatload of money.
4. Learn to enjoy exercise.
5. Start doing art again.
6. Get a car.
7. Get along with my parents.
8. Get along with my sister.
9. Wake up and go to bed at DECENT TIMES.
10. Host a wicked awesome party!

I feel that most of them are realistic, and I'm looking forward to summer more than ever. :-)

"My strength lies solely in my tenacity."
-Louis Pasteur

An apology.

I sometimes sound like I'm on drugs when I write.

It's so sporadic and unorganized.

Therefore, I apologize. Most everything I write doesn't really make sense, but if it makes you feel better, it usually doesn't make sense to me, either.

I'm alone with my thoughts, how dangerous.

Sometimes, I feel like I was given the wrong body.
My legs are too short, my nose too round, my tummy too chubby, and my feet too wide.
In fact, I feel betrayed by my body.
It won't do what I want it to do.
It doesn't fit me.
Don't I have a beautiful soul? I feel I have a beautiful, old soul.
Why doesn't my body match? Why is it not beautiful, too?

***

Everything feels so surreal right now.

Sometimes, I wish I had wings so I could run to the balcony or open the window, jump, spread my wings, and soar away.

Soar away from everything and everyone and everywhere.

There is a wonderful person inside me who is going to change the world.

She will help others. She will make a difference. She will teach and learn and preach and yearn and do all kinds of wonderful things, but.

She won’t come out. She’s hiding in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, and sometimes she takes a little peek, but she’s too afraid. Too afraid that people might not like her after all. Too afraid that she’s not that wonderful.

Too afraid she’ll fail everything and everyone and everywhere…

I like smart people.

Man, I used to be so into updating this, and now I'm getting a little bored with it. Story of my life, though, right? My attention span is officially shot, which can be good at times, but bad for the most part.

I'm up SO EARLY. I think I got about four hours of sleep. Kelley woke me up, again, but I can't say I mind. I have three and a half hours that I can spend studying, reading, sleeping, coloring, searching for new music. . . Anything I want. Three and a half hours devoted to me. This will be nice. :)

I've been listening to Regina Spektor and Panic! At The Disco a lot lately, their old stuff, mind you. I never much cared for new Panic!, but their old cd really impacted the person I've become today, not because I related to the lyrics, because I didn't, but because it was intelligent music. And it was the first I heard how beautiful a medley of techno, rock, pop, and cabaret music could be. I still can't completely describe their music, but I'll always return to A Fever You Can't Sweat Out.
Oh, and Regina. She's just amazing. My favorite songs are "Samson" and "Aprés Moi." I mean, seriously, three languages in one song? And one of them is Russian?? She's gotta be smart.

I love Arrested Development.

Seriously, I'm addicted.

"Dad's in Reno, Kitty's in Reno, Dad's in Kitty, and he must be a Blue Man."


. . . HAHAHAHAHA.
I'm so entertained.

Happy happy happy! :)

Oh, man. I'm watching VH1's Top 100 One-Hit Wonders, and I'm loving it. I totally wish I could have grown up in the 80's. I've gotta say, Alannah Myles is looking great.

Last night, I went to The House, and dang. I don't know the speaker dude's name, but every time I go, he always says exactly what I need to hear. He was saying to think about what breaks our hearts, and what breaks God's heart, and when those things align. . . Maybe God is telling you to do something about it. And then he said something that amazed me: "Maybe God wants you to go to Africa." I truly believe God was speaking to me through him. I want so badly to go to Africa, and do whatever I can to help the people over there. Anyway, what I really need right now are your prayers. For one thing, I haven't the funds to go to Africa, and for another, I don't know exactly when and where God wants me to go. All I do know is that God has given me a love for the African people and a desire to share His amazing, wonderful love and power with them.

Oh, and I also gave blood last night! It was amazing, to watch my blood, my life, flow out of my arm so that it can save three people's lives. Three people! Just two hours of my time and a few pricks saves three people! I am without a doubt going to continue giving blood whenever I can. I just felt so incredulous, so in awe of modern medicine and, especially, our bodies.

I'm feeling so good! I love you guys!

Maturity.

Most of my friends and I are growing apart, and for awhile, I was devastated. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was senior year, and I couldn't let go.

Now, though, I think I'm ready. I'm not so much a different person as I am an improved version of my old self, and none of this improvement would be taking place if not for my new friends. Of course I will always love and be grateful to my old friends, but I don't rely on them like I used to do.

I'm ready to let go.

I'm ready to move on with my life.

Love you guys,
Madalyn

Saturn must have been an awesome dude,

seeing as the day named after him is always AWESOME.

I'm going to start importing some of my favorite posts from Xanga. That shall be fun!

Today, I gave Christian J. and his girlfriend a tour of UTC. That was interesting. It wasn't quite as awkward as I anticipated, for which I was very, very grateful. I am curious as to how he got my number, because I'm pretty sure I never gave it to him.

I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of today. I was supposed to go to a (black) club with Kelley tonight (Purple Panty discount?), but I spent all my money going to the movies last night.

Can I just rant for a minute? Please? Okay, thanks.
Why do my friends insist on doing stuff that requires money? Aren't we supposed to be poor college students? It really wasn't necessary to go see I Love You, Man last night. We have plenty of movies here, and two televisions to choose from, yet I had to spend all of my emergency money on a stupid movie that wasn't even that great (more on that later). Seriously, if you're going to hang out with me and insist of spending a bunch of money, you better be prepared to help pay for me. I'm a fan of free fun, the kind that involves random adventures and wandering around the city. You don't need money to go to the riverfront, and I always have so much fun down there! I am just feeling very, very frustrated by my lack of money AND my friends' insistence upon spending money I don't have.

So, we covered:

• My day so far
• Plans for tonight
• Money rant

I think that's pretty much it.

Kiss me thru the phone.

My roommates and I get along so fabulously, and I'm so grateful.


I'm so blessed. Really. I still can't believe everything God has given me. And I'm so, so, so grateful.


"You know that I miss you, I wanna get with you tonight
But I cannot baby girl and that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you, I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone"
Cutest song (and video) ever.


♥♥♥

Eeeeeee I love Bones so much!!



SO DELISH.
I love this show way too much. ^_^



I am really sad, though, my headphones died. I've had to go without anything for a couple days so far, but my mommy's sending me some. :)


WOOOO. I've become a very happy person. :D

WIN.

Okay, I feel bad putting videos in my blog and stuff, but this. . . This is beautiful.
I couldn't let you people go a day without watching it.

See more funny videos and Music Videos at Today's Big Thing.

I've fallen pretty far behind at keeping this thing updated. I either get too busy or just don't feel like updating. It's usually the first one

I am officially POOR.
I went grocery shopping with Kelley yesterday, and all I could afford was bread, jelly, popsicles, and strawberry Fanta. That is my food for the next two weeks. HOORAY. I really don't mind, it's kinda fun. Plus, with this whole not-eating-as-much thing. . . I've noticed a difference in the way my body looks. I feel better, more confident, when my stomach's empty. Maybe that's psychologically unhealthy, but I don't care. At least I don't want to kill myself anymore.

I'LL EAT YOU UP, SO YUM YUM!!

Last night, Aaron and I decided that there really are not many hot Asian men. It was sad. We even searched Google Images for some Mongoloid hotties, but there were none to be found. I guess I'm not going to Asia any time soon!

I love everyone and everything.

first day of spring.

Click to see it. :)

The view from Lookout Mountain is one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

I had so much fun last night. I love my friends. :)

The time I want to return to.

I miss my cousins, Sam and Bailey, so badly. :(

Nothin' like some Jesus time.

I went to The House this evening, and I feel so much better.

I'm still worried. I'm still terrified.
But I no longer feel out of control, because I know God is in control.

I'm handing my life back to Him. I've been trying to steer this Porsche that I thought was my life, and it turns out I've been driving a VW Transporter on the wrong side of the road. So I'm returning the steering wheel to God, who actually knows what He's doing.


I thinking things can only get better from here.

Do I ever stop?

• Not really.
  
  I dyed part of my hair pink today, and I really like it. :)
  Kayla had a ton of dye left over, so she asked if Kelley and I wanted to use it, so. . . We did!
  
  
  
  I went to The House tonight, and I feel really great now. I'm happy, and I love God, and all that other good stuff.
  Oh, and at the end they played this awesome remix, and I was dying to know what it was, so the guys in the back were nice and gave it to me. :)
  
  

  

  

  
  Africa - Cryzp
  
  Happy Saint Patrick's Day, y'all.

One reason I love my Anthro professor.

"When you return, well rested and thirsting for knowledge (not Miller Lite), we'll continue with band law and order, with an emphasis on why the Yanomamo are so warlike. Something on that is possible in class.

Be safe."

Cracks me up.

Hooray for old friends! :)



I love these people with all my heart.

Here's to the crazy ones. Namely, me.

Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels.
The troublemakers. The round
pegs in the square holes - the
ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules and
they have no respect for
the status quo. You can praise
them, disagree with them,
quote them, disbelieve them,
glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing that you
can't do is ignore them.
Because they change things.

- Jack Kerouac

I had a very, very interesting day.
It started horribly, with me waking up at 1:30p to my mother telling me I needed to go pick my sister up, but since I didn't have the van I needed to get my father to come to Spring Hill, get me, and drive back to work so I could drive to IHS and get my sister, then take her to a psych appointment in Brentwood. So everything was fine and dandy and then I got lost. Very lost. Extremely, horribly, terribly lost. I eventually got my sister to her appointment, but only after an hour of driving all the way up to Nashville after I missed a turn and her getting mad at me for singing. Oh, it was lovely. She actually grabbed my iPod and threw it at me, yelling, "FUCK YOU BITCH!" It was shocking, to say the least. Of course, when I finally left to go back to Franklin, I got stuck in rush hour. Basically, IT WAS AWFUL.

Thank the Lord, though, Aaron asked me to hang out with him and Caitland, which was really awesome. :) We watched (some people would call it stalking, but whatever) pretty boys at the mall, then chilled at Starbucks for awhile. It was good to finally talk. Really talk.

Then the drive home. . . Oh dear.
I got lost.
Really, really, really lost.

On my way back from Cool Springs, I took a wrong turn and ended up in Columbia. In my defense, though, it was dark and rainy! And my windows kept fogging up! I can't help that I'm so hot! I eventually found my way home, though, so it was all good. Even though I used like half a tank of gas just today.

I'm now sitting with my father, reading FML while he watches trailers for upcoming scary movies.

My life is weird. Very, very weird.

Um.

I just spent twenty minutes explaining Photoshop to my mother.

All she cared about was making her boobs bigger.

She is so weird.

From this:


To this:

Please

tell me about your life.

I don't want to be kept in the dark anymore.

I don'd feel like writing anything of worth.

So instead, I'm just going to give this guy a cookie:


I'm actually baking cookies and brownies sometime this week. Orange Dreams and Dulce de Leche blondies, OH MY!

I Love Garden State.

New Slang (Album) - The Shins

I know, everyone already knows this song, but I DON'T CARE.

I LOVE IT.

"I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, it's life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it's sort of all we have."

I'll be honest, I don't feel like blogging, but I don't want to regret not writing about today.

I had such a good day. It wasn't necessarily because good things happen, but because I was so. . . Happy. Although good things certainly did happen!


EDIT: Heh. I never did write about that day. Though it was a good 'un!

WOOOO.

Today started really badly. Gahhh I was positive the rest of the day was going to suck. I woke up early to write the rest of my paper, and ended up being thirty minutes late to class. Turns out my professor was having someone else sit in today and the guy was a total douchebag. I wanted to gouge his eyes out with a staple.

But my day got a whole lot better after pedicures with the roomies! It was so fun, and my toes look so pretty! Althoughthe ladies there were douchebags and I have decided that I do not like Asian languages. They're so. . . Violent. Bleh. Later, Kelley and I went to CRU, so I got my Jesus on, which rocked. :) And now we're all going to do jello shots? Yeah, I don't know. I guess Kayla and Megan are pregaming. It is Thirsty Thursday, after all.

I just realized how contradicting my evening has been. Pah, whatever.

I'm having fun!

A calling of sorts.

Wavin Flag - Knaan


When I get older, I will be stronger
They'll call me freedom, just like a wavin' flag


I love this song.


I really feel that God is calling me to go to Africa. I don't know how He wants to send me over there, but He has put the African people on my heart and I want nothing more than to go over there and help them however I can.

I'm listening, Lord.
Just tell me what to do.

My song.

Come Around - Rhett Miller

"I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life,
Unless you come around, so come around. . ."

Yep. Seriously, Mr. FBOHOSLT (Future Boyfriend Or Husband Or Something Like That), get over here. Now.

FOUR DAYS.

OH MAN.
I have more new stuff for you!

Dreaming Of You - The Coral

Today it's a double whammy. W00T!!1!11

Fighting For My Love - Nil Lara

I wasn't able to sleep until 5:30a which was so fawesome. Thankfully I don't have French anymore, so I slept until 1:00p? Yeah. I love college. I went to Anthro and Maps today, and since I'm all out of Adderall, I was completely unable to pay attention, which kinda sucked. I thought about writing people letters, but every time I get out pen and paper, my mind goes completely blank. I think I'll just listen to some Postal Service and draw crazy psychodelic stuff. Which reminds me:

AARON. I NEED YOUR ADDRESS BECAUSE I'M GOING TO SEND YOU SOMETHING.

Mmkay, continuing. Man, my mind is ALL OVER THE PLACE today. Then again, my mind is just really weird. Ooh, examples!

• The kandi Brittany just sent me makes me think of Play-Doh which makes me think of Mrs. Kleesath which makes me think of middle school which makes me think of ADD which makes me think of depression;
• Looking at my Bible makes me think of the beach which makes me think of my cousins which makes me think of Peoria which makes me think of Kroger;
• Kayla's straightener makes me think of Homecoming '04 which makes me think of moving to Nashville which makes me think of graphic design which just made me think of beer.

As if I needed any more proof that I'm hella weird!

PEACE BROTHAS. And sistas. And lumberjacks (you know who you are).