Some days

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

That wouldn't be surprising, though.





My feet hurt.

mmmm.

So at the CRU Formal, I met a guy I reeeeally liked. :)
His name's JP, he's a freakin' engineer, we like a lot of the same music, and he's, uh, 24.

Six years isn't that big a deal, right?
Right.

. . . Right?

Ash Wednesday Fun!

Fo' realz, y'all, this song's awesome. Dude, I think I've listened to it like 50 times.
Never mind, only 25.

Uhhh. What dialect do you call that? Ghetto redneck surfer? WHAT THE HECK. I confuse myself so much. Anyway, SONG:

Somebodys Watching ME - MASTERED - Mysto & Pizzi

Okay, so on to life stuff. My mother came to visit me last night. WOO HOO. She's still not convinced that I am straight as anything, so I have to keep convincing her that YES I LIKE BOYS. NOT GIRLS. It's more annoying, if anything. I don't make a big deal out of it, it's just like. . . What the hell, Mom. Just believe me.
So anyway, we went to my appointment with Dr. Lavin this morning. That was, uh, fun. HOORAY ISSUES. I have so many. But I got to eat well, and I got along with my mother fairly well, so that was good.

Oh, big news: I'M DROPPING FRENCH. I missed too much class, and Mme Sturzer suggested I withdraw. I'm sad to be down to the bare minimum (12 hours), but at least I'm still full-time. And I won't be failing, which would totally screw my GPA. I wouldn't think that'd be possible, but apparently so. But the upside is NO MORE OVERSLEEPING! I'll be able to sleep until. . . Noon? YEAHHHH!!!!! I'm pumped about that.

Murrr. I have to go to Mass tonight and get my ashes. I really don't want to have to get up and find a Church and go and blahhh, but whatever. I'LL BE A GOOD CATHOLIC.

All right, friends, leave me some love.

BOYS BOYS BOYS.

Puh, I don't have a certain type of guy I find attractive!



. . .
Okay yes I do. :)

I guess it was a bad day.

Ever have one of those days where you hate everything and everyone? That's pretty much how my day went. No particular reason, either. Everything just bothered me.

Like people tapping their pens in Anthropology.
Kelley sniffling and coughing all night.
Kayla typing while I'm reading.

Stupid little things like that bothered me so much. I hate when I get in moods like that, but I seriously can't help it. I honestly try to calm down and ignore whatever it irritating me, but that just seems to make it worse. Grrr. I hate days like this. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.



I'm so afraid I'm making the wrong decisions. I've already planned out what I want to do with my life, but I feel inadequate, like it's not enough. I feel like I need to be more meticulous, more precise, but when I try, I can't.
I am completely terrified that I'm completely messing up my life without even realizing it, and I don't know how to make that feeling go away.

International That's What She Said Day.

Man, I was doing so well with the whole keeping-this-up-to-date thing, but then I just sorta forgot about it.

My Valentine's Day wasn't optimal, but still pretty good.

Hope everyone had a good day. :)



I am now going to spend today moping about my single status, since I never got a chance to yesterday.
BAHA. Nah, that's lame. I'm actually going to study. MURRRRRRR.




Wooo I'm happy. :)

I'm taking control.

Yayyyy I went to the park today!

Jessica came over and barged in as usual, all "RAHHH WE'RE GOING TO OUTSIDE TO PLAY FOOTBALL!!!" Luckily I was able to convince Kelley to come with us, but only after Jess defaced Kelley's kitty calender and threw her football in the sink. Yeah, I really don't know what the hell she was thinking. Actually, I'm pretty sure she just doesn't think. Jesus, it's annoying.

So yeah, we walked over to the park and played football and frisbee for about two and half hours. It was so gorgeous outside. I'm getting to know the city really well, and I seriously do not want to leave.

That being said, I decided today that I'm going to do whatever it takes to return to UTC next fall. I really like it here, and I'm not about to let this stupid depression completely whip my ass. I can get through it, and I'm going to, and no chemical imbalance is going to hold me back. I refuse to let this thing get the best of me and fuck up all my chances of becoming what I believe is my destiny: someone who can change lives for the better.

This is my life, and I'm reclaiming it

Favorite song.

I freakin' love this song.
Go, go away! Read some books! Or, in this case, listen to some Bloc Party!

"Flux," by Bloc Party
If your right hand is causing you pain
Cut it off, cut it off
If your colours have started to run
Let them all run, run away from you

There is lightning in this room
Above our heads, waiting to strike
I'm a thinker not a talker
Put your faith, your faith in God

We were hoping for some romance
All we found was more despair
We must talk about our problems
We are in a state of flux

I'd kill for an adventure
Just you and I, in the Curzon Bar
Dancing till we knew
So all that we've learnt disappears

When you shouted at me
I saw my father in the second grade
Concerned and kind
Yet unable to reach me

We were hoping for some romance...

(State of flux)

We need to talk

We were hoping for some romance...

Grawr.

Today kinda sucked, but I don't know why. I guess I'm just not in a very good mood. It's not like anything bad happened.

Oh, I did sign up for housing for next. Room 5708D, wooooo. It's a corner room (more sun), on the top floor (no sex noises upstairs), right by the elevator (easy loading/unloading), and it has a washer and dryer (no more $0.75 loads). It's too bad I had to go with random roommates and the most expensive housing, though.

All day, I've been so worried that I won't be able to come back to UTC next year. I've been working my ass off in all of my classes, but I'm afraid it still won't be enough. I know my Provost's scholarship definitely won't be renewed, but if I can pull off a 2.75 gpa, I can keep my HOPE scholarship. Gah. I doubt there's any leniency when it comes to my recent "issues."

I wish none of this had ever happened. I wish this stupid fucking disease would go away and just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE so I can finally get on with my life. It's made me feel like shit this past week, and I'm so ready to just be DONE with it.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

So many exams.

I did nothing but go to classes today. Ewwww. I missed French, AGAIN. I could kick myself. My alarm went off, I distinctly remember hearing it, but somehow I went back to sleep and woke up late. AUAEL;KF;KLD. I had a test in Anthropology today, and I think I might have actually fallen asleep. Then some girl goes up to the front of the class and was like, "I think I'm going to faint." She was fine, but the adrenaline from it woke me up enough to finish my exam, thank God. Oh, and somehow I made a 93 on my exam for Maps? I barely studied for it, too, but whatever. YAY!

Now I have an English paper to write. It's "critical review," and we just review a movie, book, album, or whatever else. These are what I'm considering:

• Gossip Diet (Lotus Child)
• Intimacy (Bloc Party)
• Pop-Up (Yelle)
  
• The Uglies trilogy by Scott Westerfield
• Twilight by Stephenie Meyer [YAY RANT!]

Murr. I hate making decisions.

I'm home!

FINALLY.
I've returned to Chattanooga.
No more curfews, no more guilt trips, no more orders.
'Tis awesome.

My weekend actually kinda sucked. I mean, I got to see my friends and that was fine, but I felt like I never really got to be with them. And then my family. . . Rawwrrr. I can't stand them anymore. My mother is incapable of dong anything but nagnagnag.


Marrr. I'm so glad to be back at school. Except for the school part.

W00T.

Blahhhhhhh I missed English. My alarm didn't go off, again.

I also saw Dr. Lavin today. I actually rode my bike, and OH MY GOD. I never realized there were so many hills in Chattanooga. I think I'll walk next time.

Then I went to Panera to study for French, but it was packed, so I just got some food and went back to my apartment.

Took my French exam. I'm pretty sure I bombed it.

Now I've just been sitting at home ever since, kinda working on homework.

Basically, today sucked.
As did yesterday.
And the day before.


In other news, I'm contemplating going home this weekend. I really need to do laundry, and I don't want to pay $.75 a load when I can do it for free, so yeah. BUT.
I don't know if I'll be hanging out with anyone, aside from my family. There are some people who probably don't want to see me, and others who I don't want to see. Muh.


I'm hoping tomorrow's a better day.

kthxbai

Ayyyyy.

Dude, my lips hurt. They're cracked and keep bleeding and ewww.

Today basically sucked.

I had a French exam at 10:00, and I guess I turned my alarm off in my sleep because I woke up at 9:45. Not too bad, leaves me ten minutes to get ready and five to get to class, but still. I hate waking up late. So I get dressed and everything and check my cell phone and it's 10:50. Turns out that last night as I was setting my alarm clock, I'd been so sleepy that I'd changed the actual TIME, not just the alarm.

AWESOME.
HOW. FREAKING. AWESOME.

So I missed an exam. Not just a day of lecture and notes, an actual EXAM. I was so furious with myself. In fact, I still am. Luckily, I was able to convince Mme Sturzer that I was sick, and she's going to let me make it up tomorrow. Seriously. I just don't see how you can deny the existence of God when amazing stuff like that happens. Anyway.
Anthropology, blah blah blah, boring boring boring, test on Monday, woo hoo, yada yada yada.

Then I basically spent the rest of my night here. Kindasortanotreally doing homework. Talking online with people. Browsing music blogs and finding new music (!!!!).

OH about those music blogs:
I found a ton of covers. Katy Perry doing MGMT, Lily Allen covering Britney Spears, etc. I also got a bunch of mash-ups: Lil' Wayne + The Benders, T.I. + Ben Folds, Britney Spears + Bloc Party, and all over wonderfully delicious music casseroles.
YAY MUSIC.

Confusion.

The first time we've talked in four days.

Ten minutes.

Three spent watching Andrew play with the camera.
Two spent actually talking.
Five spent just sitting there, doing nothing.


Is this what our friendship has come to?

I think this is my first bad day in a week.

Dude, Pandora is the shiz. I've been listening to it all day, and it's basically awesome.

Other than that, today kinda sucked. My best friend hasn't talked to me in like four days, but whatever. I'll move on. If she wants to throw away two and a half years of friendship, well, she has every right to do so.

It still hurts.
I still don't know why.
I still wish I could do something to repair it.

But at this rate, it just doesn't look like it's going to happen.

As for stuff that actually happened today, I went to French completely unprepared and felt like a fucking moron. Sometimes I completely understand it, other days it's like trying to make sense out of gibberish. Today was one of the latter days. AWESOME.
Then Anthropology. I tried, really tried to pay attention, but after awhile I just couldn't do it anymore. My professor just goes on and on and on about stupid shit, and then the hippies join the conversation, which is okay, I don't mind people speaking their mind, but when they just won't drop it? That's when it bothers me. And it was about breastfeeding, of all things. Some girl tried to start a debate about fucking BREASTFEEDING. Who the hell does that? Grrrr.
Finally, Maps. I had a test, and while I don't think I completely failed, I definitely don't think I got higher than a B. That class is so awful. Nothing but maps, and I have never given a shit about maps.

Now I have to prepare for English and Western Humanities tomorrow. I seriously hate all of these GenEd classes. I already know what I want to do; why can't I just start studying it?


Good news: I know that I want to go to graduate school, and I'm going to try for UTK. They have the best forensic anthropology program in the world (yay Body Farm), and so it only makes sense that I go there. I just need to have fucking amazing grades. . . Jesus. Good luck to me.

I'm off to drown my frustrations with Ben and Jerry, my two favorite men in the world.

kthxbai.

My first alcoholic experience, woo hoo.

So last night I drank alcohol for the first time ever.

I was coerced into playing Chandeliers. If you don't know what that is, here's a run-down:

• Everyone who's playing has a designated cup filled with about a fifth of beer. These cups are arranged in a circle around one cup completely filled with beer.
• Players take turns bouncing a quarter into the cups, aiming for the center cup. If the quarter bounces into one of the cups on the outside, the person whose cup it landed in has to drink it (the beer, not the quarter!).
• The goal is to bounce the quarter into the center cup. When that happens, everyone must down their drink as fast as possible, then flip their cup over, top-down. The last person to do this has to chug the beer in the center.

Basically, it's a way to get a lot of people drunk really fast. Lucky for me, though, I only had to drink my beer three times, so it really wasn't very much. After I played Chandeliers, I didn't drink anymore for the rest of the night, even though some guy tried to talk me into a funneling a beer. When I refused, he called me a bitch and then promised to get me "fucked up" next time I go to the frat house. It kinda pissed me off, until Kelley reminded me that he most likely won't even remember me.

I won't lie, it was really fun watching the guys play beer pong, talking to drunk people, playing Chandeliers, and just experiencing a college party. However, I'm still upset that I can no longer say I've never drank before. I was really proud of myself for it, and I think from now on I'll just say I'm the DD. At any rate, I am glad that I'm nothing more than a social drinker. I seriously plan on never, ever getting drunk, because I refuse to allow anyone or anything but ME control myself. Alcohol really isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sobriety is much, much more fun, and I plan to experience nothing but that.