I have

been feeling really lonely lately.



And I don't know why.

Plans.

I've spent the past couple of weeks trying to be a good student. My plan was the following:

• do homework every night
• get all my papers turned in on time
• study adequately for tests
• go to all of my classes
• take decent notes
• discuss any problems with professors
  

The result thus far? I'm really proud of myself. Granted, there's still about sixteen days left in the semester, so I have to keep pushing myself, but all in all, I feel that it's going to end well. I have certainly improved since last semester.

My goals at the beginning of the semester:

1. Go to all my classes!
2. Turn in all homework and papers ON TIME.
3. Budget my money.
4. Make new friends.
5. Make great grades.
6. Get along with my roommates.
7. Keep my room clean.
8. Get a job.
9. Exercise.
10. Eat healthily.
    
11. Go to a party.
    

Now, let's see how my goals are looking so far:

1. Go to all my classes! I didn't do perfectly with this one, but I certainly didn't skip as much, and I made a more conscious effort to get to class than last semester.
   
2. Turn in all homework and papers ON TIME. Ehh. Let's say I halfway accomplished this one. I turned about half of my assignments in on time. However, I have turned in almost every single one at some point!
   
3. Budget my money. Yeah, no. This one definitely didn't happen. It's like I can only budget when I have like $20 left in my account. I need to keep working on this!
   
4. Make new friends. Hm. I kinda did this. I met some new people, but I wouldn't say I made new friends. I did, however, grow a lot closer to the friends I made last semester.
   
5. Make great grades. So far, so good. It looks like I'll be making all A's and B's, which is a significant improvement!
   
6. Get along with my roommates. This went much better than last semester! Kelley is the best friend I have here, and I get along much better with Megan and Kayla, almost to the point where I'd say we're friends. :)
   
7. Keep my room clean. HAH. Did you, or I, for that matter, really think I'd be able to keep my room tidy? I don't do tidy, I do "organized chaos."
   
8. Get a job. Noooooope. I thought about it, and I even grabbed an application once, but quite honestly, I just don't think I could have handled a job. It was a difficult semester already, just trying to get my life back together while getting good grades.
   
9. Exercise. I tried some new stuff, like volleyball and racquetball, but I really didn't exercise more. I did more and went more places, but never set aside any time specifically for exercise.
   
10. Eat healthily. FAIL. I did so awfully with this. I ate absolute crap. Tons of chips and candy, and the meals at the UC were definitely not any better. Looking back, I can see why I've gained so much weight.
    
11. Go to a party. Accomplished! It was fun, watching/playing games and watching the drunk people. DRUNK PEOPLE ARE SO FUNNY. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Being sober makes it so much more fun!

So, there's Spring 2009. Now, I'm going to set some goals for Summer '09!

1. Lose weight.
2. Get a job.
3. Earn a boatload of money.
4. Learn to enjoy exercise.
5. Start doing art again.
6. Get a car.
7. Get along with my parents.
8. Get along with my sister.
9. Wake up and go to bed at DECENT TIMES.
10. Host a wicked awesome party!

I feel that most of them are realistic, and I'm looking forward to summer more than ever. :-)

"My strength lies solely in my tenacity."
-Louis Pasteur

An apology.

I sometimes sound like I'm on drugs when I write.

It's so sporadic and unorganized.

Therefore, I apologize. Most everything I write doesn't really make sense, but if it makes you feel better, it usually doesn't make sense to me, either.

I'm alone with my thoughts, how dangerous.

Sometimes, I feel like I was given the wrong body.
My legs are too short, my nose too round, my tummy too chubby, and my feet too wide.
In fact, I feel betrayed by my body.
It won't do what I want it to do.
It doesn't fit me.
Don't I have a beautiful soul? I feel I have a beautiful, old soul.
Why doesn't my body match? Why is it not beautiful, too?

***

Everything feels so surreal right now.

Sometimes, I wish I had wings so I could run to the balcony or open the window, jump, spread my wings, and soar away.

Soar away from everything and everyone and everywhere.

There is a wonderful person inside me who is going to change the world.

She will help others. She will make a difference. She will teach and learn and preach and yearn and do all kinds of wonderful things, but.

She won’t come out. She’s hiding in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, and sometimes she takes a little peek, but she’s too afraid. Too afraid that people might not like her after all. Too afraid that she’s not that wonderful.

Too afraid she’ll fail everything and everyone and everywhere…

I like smart people.

Man, I used to be so into updating this, and now I'm getting a little bored with it. Story of my life, though, right? My attention span is officially shot, which can be good at times, but bad for the most part.

I'm up SO EARLY. I think I got about four hours of sleep. Kelley woke me up, again, but I can't say I mind. I have three and a half hours that I can spend studying, reading, sleeping, coloring, searching for new music. . . Anything I want. Three and a half hours devoted to me. This will be nice. :)

I've been listening to Regina Spektor and Panic! At The Disco a lot lately, their old stuff, mind you. I never much cared for new Panic!, but their old cd really impacted the person I've become today, not because I related to the lyrics, because I didn't, but because it was intelligent music. And it was the first I heard how beautiful a medley of techno, rock, pop, and cabaret music could be. I still can't completely describe their music, but I'll always return to A Fever You Can't Sweat Out.
Oh, and Regina. She's just amazing. My favorite songs are "Samson" and "Aprés Moi." I mean, seriously, three languages in one song? And one of them is Russian?? She's gotta be smart.

I love Arrested Development.

Seriously, I'm addicted.

"Dad's in Reno, Kitty's in Reno, Dad's in Kitty, and he must be a Blue Man."


. . . HAHAHAHAHA.
I'm so entertained.

Happy happy happy! :)

Oh, man. I'm watching VH1's Top 100 One-Hit Wonders, and I'm loving it. I totally wish I could have grown up in the 80's. I've gotta say, Alannah Myles is looking great.

Last night, I went to The House, and dang. I don't know the speaker dude's name, but every time I go, he always says exactly what I need to hear. He was saying to think about what breaks our hearts, and what breaks God's heart, and when those things align. . . Maybe God is telling you to do something about it. And then he said something that amazed me: "Maybe God wants you to go to Africa." I truly believe God was speaking to me through him. I want so badly to go to Africa, and do whatever I can to help the people over there. Anyway, what I really need right now are your prayers. For one thing, I haven't the funds to go to Africa, and for another, I don't know exactly when and where God wants me to go. All I do know is that God has given me a love for the African people and a desire to share His amazing, wonderful love and power with them.

Oh, and I also gave blood last night! It was amazing, to watch my blood, my life, flow out of my arm so that it can save three people's lives. Three people! Just two hours of my time and a few pricks saves three people! I am without a doubt going to continue giving blood whenever I can. I just felt so incredulous, so in awe of modern medicine and, especially, our bodies.

I'm feeling so good! I love you guys!