Hey children.

Life has been full of the highest highs and the lowest lows lately.
From the best news in the world to the feeling the saddest I've ever been.

I've been thinking about this plan I have for the rest of my life, and I'm wondering if maybe I should scrap that plan.
Maybe, instead of thinking out everything I do, I should just surrender everything to the Big Guy. Instead of planning to graduate in 2012, get into UTK's grad anthro program, then work in a museum or with the FBI as soon as I can, well, maybe I should just plan to do what makes me happy. I don't know what will make me happiest in ten years, so instead of deciding what I think should make me happiest, maybe I should just follow my heart.

I've never been very good at that. Following my heart. I prefer to hear other people's suggestions, then decide what sounds best. Maybe I don't trust my heart. Maybe I wish I didn't have to deal with my heart. But it's there, and it's going to be, so I'm thinking that for once in my life, I should listen to what it's telling me.

It's late, and I know that in the morning, I'll ask myself what the point of this was, but right now?

I feel better.

I've been feeling very lonely lately, and I wish I understood why.

It's not like I don't spend time with my friends. I guess I just want to spend more time with them. I can't get enough of them, I really can't.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure they've gotten more than enough of me.

Blaaahhhh.

The past few days have sent me spiraling down into another depression.

My friends don't like me anymore.
My parents don't believe in me.
My sister has nothing but disdain for me.
Even I no longer believe I'm a worthwhile person.



fuck it all.

Closing Doors

I've been thinking about my childhood a lot lately.

Some of it probably has to do with being back home for the summer, where I'm still being treated like a child.

A lot of it has to with how amazing my childhood was.
It was the best time of my life thus far.
I spent my days running around outside, chasing butterflies and fireflies, playing house in the nook behind the garage, climbing on the jungle gym, and dreaming about all the things I could do with my life.
At that time, I knew I could do anything I wanted.
Sometimes I wanted to be an artist. Other times a police officer. Most of the time, I wanted to be a detective. Some days, I set my sights on becoming a famous singer or actress.
I could be anything.
Anything at all.
Nothing was too crazy (except maybe feeding sharks).

Now that I'm a young adult, though, I feel like most of those doors have closed. My options are dwindling, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm afraid that by the time I finally figure it out, it will be too late, and it's this thought that keeps me awake most nights.

What if I miss my chance to be great?
No, I don't care that much about being great, actually.
No, what scares me is this:
What if I miss my opportunity to help people around the world?
That's really all I've ever wanted, to help others.

I don't know how I'm supposed to help them, though.
Do I go to Africa? Sometimes I feel that God is leading me there, but then I take a step back and wonder if I'm just misinterpreting His signs.
Do I need to stay here, and help the American people? I don't have much faith in America anymore. I love the original idea, but now our country represents arrogance, self-indulgence, ignorance, and I'm no longer proud to say I'm an American.
Maybe God wants me to go somewhere completely different, like Asia or Europe or even South America? I don't know much about their cultures, and I only speak English and French. I'm worried that I won't make it.

I've just been so worried lately that I could be screwing my life up by thinking and not acting. I'm so afraid of screwing it all up if I do take action, though.

I'm essentially afraid of failing.
Failing my friends.
Failing my family.
Failing the people who need my help.
Failing myself.
And, worst of all, failing my Lord.

I miss the simplicity and possibility of childhood.

Hm.

I should probably start taking my medicine regularly.

It's messing everything up for me.



Places I've applied for a job thus far:
5

I have

been feeling really lonely lately.



And I don't know why.

Plans.

I've spent the past couple of weeks trying to be a good student. My plan was the following:

• do homework every night
• get all my papers turned in on time
• study adequately for tests
• go to all of my classes
• take decent notes
• discuss any problems with professors
  

The result thus far? I'm really proud of myself. Granted, there's still about sixteen days left in the semester, so I have to keep pushing myself, but all in all, I feel that it's going to end well. I have certainly improved since last semester.

My goals at the beginning of the semester:

1. Go to all my classes!
2. Turn in all homework and papers ON TIME.
3. Budget my money.
4. Make new friends.
5. Make great grades.
6. Get along with my roommates.
7. Keep my room clean.
8. Get a job.
9. Exercise.
10. Eat healthily.
    
11. Go to a party.
    

Now, let's see how my goals are looking so far:

1. Go to all my classes! I didn't do perfectly with this one, but I certainly didn't skip as much, and I made a more conscious effort to get to class than last semester.
   
2. Turn in all homework and papers ON TIME. Ehh. Let's say I halfway accomplished this one. I turned about half of my assignments in on time. However, I have turned in almost every single one at some point!
   
3. Budget my money. Yeah, no. This one definitely didn't happen. It's like I can only budget when I have like $20 left in my account. I need to keep working on this!
   
4. Make new friends. Hm. I kinda did this. I met some new people, but I wouldn't say I made new friends. I did, however, grow a lot closer to the friends I made last semester.
   
5. Make great grades. So far, so good. It looks like I'll be making all A's and B's, which is a significant improvement!
   
6. Get along with my roommates. This went much better than last semester! Kelley is the best friend I have here, and I get along much better with Megan and Kayla, almost to the point where I'd say we're friends. :)
   
7. Keep my room clean. HAH. Did you, or I, for that matter, really think I'd be able to keep my room tidy? I don't do tidy, I do "organized chaos."
   
8. Get a job. Noooooope. I thought about it, and I even grabbed an application once, but quite honestly, I just don't think I could have handled a job. It was a difficult semester already, just trying to get my life back together while getting good grades.
   
9. Exercise. I tried some new stuff, like volleyball and racquetball, but I really didn't exercise more. I did more and went more places, but never set aside any time specifically for exercise.
   
10. Eat healthily. FAIL. I did so awfully with this. I ate absolute crap. Tons of chips and candy, and the meals at the UC were definitely not any better. Looking back, I can see why I've gained so much weight.
    
11. Go to a party. Accomplished! It was fun, watching/playing games and watching the drunk people. DRUNK PEOPLE ARE SO FUNNY. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Being sober makes it so much more fun!

So, there's Spring 2009. Now, I'm going to set some goals for Summer '09!

1. Lose weight.
2. Get a job.
3. Earn a boatload of money.
4. Learn to enjoy exercise.
5. Start doing art again.
6. Get a car.
7. Get along with my parents.
8. Get along with my sister.
9. Wake up and go to bed at DECENT TIMES.
10. Host a wicked awesome party!

I feel that most of them are realistic, and I'm looking forward to summer more than ever. :-)

"My strength lies solely in my tenacity."
-Louis Pasteur